Seriously bored so I think I will vent a little!

It's Friday night. Dh is asleep. The kids are asleep. I am wide awake and so fucking bored! And in a swearing mood apparently.

I am not sure what I expected. I am married with kids. For me anyway, that means staying home a lot more than I did when I was single. Most of the time I don't mind but then there are days when I feel like if I don't get out of the damn house my head is going to explode. If it wasn't snowing so much I would just drive somewhere. I don't know where exactly but anywhere is better than home.

Is it terrible that sometimes I long for my single days when I carried a real purse, not a diaper bag? When I could leave the house on a whim without worrying if I had enough diapers, a change of clothes for the baby, the stroller, toys for the baby, ear plugs to block out the whining of the older two kids. When I could go out dancing from 10 at night until God knows when. Yep, I admit it, I sometimes miss my single days. You know what else I miss? Sex outside of marriage. There was something exciting about "doing it" when you weren't supposed to. Dh and I were little horn dogs! I still love our sex life but that "we aren't supposed to be doing this" excitement is gone and I kind of miss it.

Please don't get me wrong. I love my daughters and hubby more than anything. Sometimes they are the ONLY things that make me smile. I just sometimes feel like the mom and wife parts of me took over and the woman parts of me are lying dormant somewhere way back in my mind. I started wearing my contact lenses again and bought some new lipstick so I can start renewing my outward appearance. Once I am done nursing I will hit VS so I can get a sexy bra to wear instead of a "functional" bra. I also need to make time to get my hair cut and styled by a professional. Not by me when I decide to trim the split ends. I think I will be embarrassed when the stylist sees how I have butchered my hair but I am going to go to a salon anyway.

I need to work on my emotional well being too. I feel like I have been kicked in the head a lot in the past few weeks. It's amazing the kind of negativity you get from people you thought were your friends when they find out who you are voting for. I don't do that to people. I don't understand why anyone would vote for a couple of the people running but I don't go around degrading them and questioning their intelligience. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I figure that they have read something about their candidate that they liked and shared some viewpoints and that's why they are voting for them. I wish they would extend the same courtesy towards me. Instead I get the "Oh you must not know what he stands for, if you really listened to him you would see that he has no substance". Shut the fuck up! I don't vote for people without reading up on them to see what they are about and to see if that meshes with what I am about. I don't go eeny meeny miney moe. I have felt talked down to and it's really pissing me off. Just because I don't agree with you(a general you there) doesn't mean that I am not informed. Seriously why are people like that? I just don't get it.

Then there are some issues happening with one of my sisters. She is going through a divorce and so far it's not pretty. I feel so bad for her and wish I could be there in person to help support her but I am stuck all the way up here while she is down in Ewtah. I am so frustrated!

Okay, I think that's enough for now.

Venting is fun!! :)

I Feel Like Tearing My Hair Out!

Or banging my head against the wall.Why? Because a woman, who I thought was pretty cool, is turning out to be a very big annoyance to me. I don't know what happened. Either I am getting too sensitive or she is getting way too conservative. Anyway lately she has said things like this:

1- "I would like my daughter, if I have one, to go to college but I would not push it like I would with my sons". Basically it wasn't important to her if any daughter she had got a college education because that wasn't her purpose on the earth anyway, being a wife and mother was. Gag!! Blech!(that was in my own word but it was the gist of it)

and this one that I read today:

2- Anything that would get a boy all riled up(sexually) she would not allow her daughters(again that she doesn't have) to wear it. This was in reference to pairing leggings with short skirts or dresses. I guess it is too much to ask that boys be responsible for their own thoughts and actions. I also am guessing that it hasn't even crossed her mind that girls don't have to be wearing short skirts with leggings to get boys all riled up. I knew guys who just liked to see girls in dresses period. Whether they were short, long, sleeveless, capped sleeves, long sleeves. I guess she doesn't get that it is natural to be attracted to someone based on things like their sense of humors or intelligience. Hell it's natural to be attracted to someone period. And shock of all shocks there is nothing wrong with it! I am really bugged because she is perpetuating that whole "walking porn" thing and that us girls are responsible for keeping men from having sex thoughts about us. These are the same type of people who blame the victim who was raped saying "If she had just worn that burkha she wouldn't have been raped" Puhlease!!

Sometimes I want to throw mormon women into a wall. Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!

So ridiculous!

My little brother is getting married. He is the ripe old age of 22. I haven't met his future wife yet because I don't live near them. I have only seen pictures. I have a dilemma too. I could go home to the wedding if I wanted to. I do want to but I am not going to go. First of all I don't want to take my daughter out of school. I could go for just the weekend but I think that is kind of a waste of money. The biggest reason it would be a waste of money is that I can't even see him get married. I don't have a temple recommend. I would probably end up being the designated baby sitter for all my nieces and nephews. I can barely take care of my own children. I don't want ten more on top of it. So going to Utah for a wedding I can't even witness, where I will be babysitting and it's only for the weekend, yeah it doesn't scream "Worth every penny!!" to me.

I love my brother, from what I heard of his future wife, she's pretty cool too. I would love to see my family because I haven't seen any of them but my mom for over a year. But I think I will stay home seeing as how I am not good enough to go to the wedding.

Forever Families

I am not sure why I bothered. You can't convince a TBM or a bunch of TBMs that your family, though not married in a temple(blech), if there is an afterlife, will be together forever in that afterlife. I have been trying on a certain mormon women's message board to convince the ladies of just that. I have no idea why. It's aggravating as hell. They just keep throwing scriptures and GA quotes at me that have no meaning to me as I don't believe a damn thing those scriptures and GA's say. I have told them that. Then I get the old, "Satan is working on you" bullshit. Whatever!

I think I have said this before. The initial reason I walked out of church and never came back was because I just got really sick of all the temple marriage to have an eternal family talks in SM and RS. It gets wearing to constantly be told to enjoy your family now because you won't have them for eternity. It got me to thinking, if God is like this mormon version, I am not sure I want any part of him. I honestly don't think he or she is anything like the mormon version. The nitpicky(no flip flops or denim to church, only one earring, don't show any shoulder or you'll be walking porn, have to be married in some overdone, overdecorated building), conditional loving(homosexuals, nonmembers, unbelievers can not be with God in heaven), flipflopping(blacks can't have the priesthood, they can have the priesthood, be polygamists, don't be polygamists, sheesh make up your mind already) God I heard about at church did not and does not match anything I ever imagined he or she to be. If there is a God I imagine he or she to be a lot more compassionate, understanding, nonracist, nonhomophobic, nonsexist, and having unconditional love for all of us. I will cling to that until I die and am either proved right or wrong.

Anyway, I am rambling. Probably not even making much sense. I am just too annoyed. I rarely get mad at mormons anymore. Not since 2 months ago when I debated homosexuality with one TBM lady who likened homosexuals to people who commit incest and pedophilia. What a bitch she was. I hate people like her. I don't usually hate people either. It's just not in me. But her! She just had my blood boiling. She will forever think of me as that struggling inactive mormon who doesn't listen to what God tells the prophet. She was the epitome of one of those "When the prophet speaks the thinking has been done" mormons.

Well, I guess that will do for my angry inactive mormon rant this month.

Just go away!!!

I can't stand men who think they are right about everything. One good thing is that usually they will trip themselves up with something.

Tonight on a TBM message board I go to, there was a topic asking people what their hot button issues were. I should add this is a women's message board but men do occasionally post and this man's hot button issue was people with PhD's calling themselves doctor, as if trying to make it seem they were MDs. Since my dh has a PhD and in his professional life people refer to him as Dr. So I mentioned this and said something to the effect of my dh worked damn hard(well I said dang, trying to be respectful of their intense dislike for cussing) to earn his PhD and he could call himself Dr King of the universe if he wanted. I mentioned at one point that his PhD was inPharmacology. Well, he stood by his annoyance of this practice of someone other than an MD being called doctor. Fine, I don't really care. But he also was trying to explain to us silly women that someone with a PhD in Pharmacology would be called a Pharmacist. WRONG!!!!!!!! Pharmacy and Pharmacology are two different fields of study. You can get a PhD in Pharmacy but only then would you be called a Pharmacist. My dh is actually a Pharmacologist. So I called him on it. I tried to explain the difference but I am not sure how well I did. I might not ever know though, what he thought of me correcting him because the thread was locked before he could respond. I am a pretty laid back person but this really bugged me. Get your facts right before you try to explain to us wimmenfolk the ways of the world!! I hope he is feeling like an idiot right now. Probably not though.

Just had to get that off my chest!!

Get off my planet!!

On my way home from my doctor's appointment today I was following behind this SUV. The driver was throwing trash out the window. So not only is he driving a gas guzzler but he's littering too. Sheesh is it that hard to wait until you get home to dispose of your empty chip bag??

Watch out!

If I have to listen to one more TBM(Or anyone for that matter) rave on and on about Mitt Romney I am going to throw up on them. I can do it too!

Phew!!! Glad I got that off my chest!!

What's the Point???

I saw on the Entertainment news last night that Brad Pitt is looking for a butt double for the next time he does a nude scene. Now, why would I pay 8 bucks to see a Brad Pitt movie only to look at an ass that is not his!!! It's like going to a concert where the singer is lip-synching. Or getting the store brand of Dr. Pepper. I guess I will just keep watching the old Brad Pitt movies if I want to see HIS ass!!

Speaking of asses, last night on Law and Order: SVU I got a nice glimpse of Christopher Meloni's ass!! Yowza!! That is one hot man!!

Anyway...........Horney preggo woman is outta here!!

Oh and those who wanted to read something intellectually stimulating... Kiss my ass!!!!! ;)

Things that suck!

Yeah, it's been one of those days. So some things that I think suck are:


1-Morning sickness
2-Internet outtages
3-People who brag about all the expensive shit they got for Christmas
4-Cable outtages
5-The easy-listening radio station
6-I have no chocolate in the house
7-I haven't had any alcohol in over 3 months
8-I haven't had a DDP in about the same
9-Car problems
10-All those damn weight-loss and credit counseling commercials
11-My brother and sister-in-laws' IVF didn't work.
12-People who try to tell me how to live my life, I don't care who they are.
13-Migraines
14-Writer's block
15-My list! Because all the things I thought of before I started writing seem to have escaped from my memory. I guess there will have to be another installment another day!

Nothing much.

Grouchiness is abundant in our home tonight.

I am grouchy because my kids tried to open their presents a week early. Then they went into the bedroom, after I threatened to take their presents back, and started jumping on the bed. So I went in there and yelled at them for jumping on the bed after I have told them like a million times not to. I told them they had to get off the bed and sit on the floor if they wanted to watch TV in there. The next thing I know my oldest comes running up to me telling me her little sister just spilled her chocolate milk on the bed. UGH!!!!! So I again yelled at them that they weren't supposed to be on the bed at all and certainly not with chocolate milk. Then a few minutes later, after I had cleaned up the spilled milk they come running to me because they saw a cockroach!! Now dh is grouchy because I made him kill it because I will not touch those vile things even if my hand was wrapped in plastic, had gloves on over the plastic and I had a mountain of tissue in my hand. I HATE them!!!! Gross!! Where did it come from. I try to keep my apartment clean. It must have come in to get away from the rain. I don't know but now I will have trouble sleeping tonight and that means I will be grouchy again tomorrow.

The only people happy in our home are the kids who keep singing "Jingle Bell Rock" without getting the words right. Why are they happy? I just yelled at them like 3 times!! Either they have short memories or are very easy-going, forgiving girls.

******TMI ALERT******
Dh is going to want to do "something" tonight but I am NOT in the mood. He got some last night, that should hold him for a few days right? He's lucky he got any at all this weekend. I have not felt very romantic lately what with wanting to barf all the time. Plus I am grouchy from having kids that didn't want to listen today. He's gonna have to bribe me or something. Not sure with what though. We are broke until January. And it doesn't make me a hooker to want compensation! Or does it! Not sure I care.

I hate this part of being pregnant. Usually I am always up for sex. I just don't feel like me right now. I just feel like this vehicle for some parasite to suck the life out of me. I promise I will love my baby. It's just easier to love it for the miracle it is when the nausea part goes away. I told dh that if he wants another kid he better figure out how to carry it. I said that last time too and lookey where I am now.

Sorry this post is one big ramble but that really shouldn't surprise anyone. Rambling on and on is what I do best! Besides it's been one of those day!!

Driving

I know every city claims the worst drivers in the world but I think we in Miami take the cake. Today we drove down to Florida City to grocery shop. It's about 20 miles away from our apartment give or take a few miles. On the way there I got cut off more times than I can count. There was one car that was trying to cross from one side of US1 to the other. Let's see they were going from the east side to the west side lanes. Well they got to the west lane and their whole front end was sticking out into traffic. They just sat there. Why they didn't continue all the way into the lane and drive south like they were supposed to I have absolutely no idea. So all of us cars already going south had to creep into the other lane to go around these fucking idiots.

Driving here is always a gamble. People ask if I gamble and I say "Yeah, with my life everytime I drive anywhere". There is always a car stopped in the lane letting people off. People are always driving slow for a few reasons, 1- they are on their cell phones, 2- they are reading their newpapers or mail, 3-they are too busy pointing at some site to look ahead and drive.

Today there was a jeep that was just sitting there in the far left lane not moving. So I am thinking her car stalled or something. No she is looking down into her lap at something so fascinating(I don't want to know) that she didn't notice all the cars in front of her had left her far behind.

No one uses their blinker and if they do they use it wayyyyyy before they need to. They will put their blinkers on to turn then pass 4 or 5 streets or entry ways before they actually turn. To me that defeats the whole purpose of using the turn signal. It still leaves me and anyone else on the road, guessing what the hell they are going to do next. I guess none of them have ever heard of the 3 second rule. So in Miami I don't trust blinkers. No one ever uses them like they are supposed to.



Okay so this isn't dangerous, well in the sense that it could kill me, but I am really scared of any mini-van or SUV or any car for that matter, I pull up behind that has one or more of these bumper stickers:

Please don't really click on that.

Or has a confederate flag somewhere on it. I know that doesn't necessarily mean "KKK, White Supremecist" but better safe than sorry!

"Shudder......."

Pissy mood!

I am in such a pissy mood today. Everything and everyone is bugging the shit out of me. First it was the asshole who cut me off in traffic. Then it was the dumb lady who stood still at a green light practically until the light turned red again. Then it was the annoying person who took up the whole aisle at target with their basket. Sheesh, slide the fuck over when someone is trying to pass.

There is nothing on tv. Especially now that Ghost Whisperer is over. My kids didn't eat their dinner then complained that they were hungry. Dh is trying but I am PMSing so everything that comes out of his mouth makes me want to scream. And now he's watching boxing, which makes me want to cancel cable.

I have a stupid headache which even after 2 pamprin and two motrin, still won't go away. And after taking all those drugs I can't even have a glass of wine or a beer because I am deeply afraid of ruining my liver.

The neighbors let their dogs shit all over the place and won't clean up after them so my kids can't even go outside and play on the grass or else they could step in something not so beautiful. I should just leave all their shitty diapers all over the sidewalk and see how all the pet owners feel about that. Sheesh is it so hard to pooper scoop. Freakity fuck freak fuck!!

So my blog isn't so well written and it is not the most intelligent piece of work but I never claimed to be writing a masterpiece. It is just my way of expressing myself and yeah its rough but so is life. Screw all the blog snobs!!!!

Okay, I'm done ranting now. I will just go hide in the corner with my diet dr pepper and bag of Doritos.

???????

I really don't know where I fit in now. I don't fit in with the mormon ladies and I don't fit in with the exmo ladies. I am too liberal for one group and not liberal enough for the other. I so want to fit in somewhere. I have been longing to hang out with like minded people for so long. I thought I had found somewhere that I could do that and I was having the best time there. I don't know now though. Everyone is wonderful and smart and funny and I used to think I was those things too. Now I am not so sure. I don't know what to do. Do I say something? I don't think I can do that without sounding like a whiny baby and also not without drawing unwanted attention. I like to be the happy go lucky one. I hate conflict. I just want to be everyone's friend. I don't want to feel like I constantly have to defend me and my life choices. I had enough of that in the church. I am disappointed because it doesn't seem like I will be accepted for who I am at my new place either, if I ever tried to assert my opinion on certain things anyway. It still seems to be all about labeling people. I just want to be accepted and liked. That's all I have ever wanted my whole life. I just wonder when it's going to happen!!

Sigh

Well, so much for that happy, light as a feather feeling. I can't even describe the way I feel right now. Let's see, I am feeling, useless, backward, angry, sad, confused, crazed, and just plain shitty. I did pretty well I guess. The hard part is explaining WHY I am feeling this way. I have been trying for an hour but I can't seem to articulate it.

Am I doing the wrong thing with my life? Am I screwing my kids up. Would it be better for them if I worked at a job that paid me? Or am I doing fine the way things are or they doing fine the way things are? I thought we were all doing fine. I thought this was what was best for my family. Not because I feel that's the only thing I can do and not because it has been programmed into my brain and I just can't let it go. I have NEVER EVER listened to what church leader said and did it. As far as my mormonness, it has always been on the low side. So I really don't think my fondess for staying at home with my kids comes from their brainwashing. There are sahms of every religion and I have even known atheist sahms. God I get so sick of being told I am a lazy, bad, mother for staying at home. Fuck that, fuck it fuck it, fuck it. Why do I even give a shit what anyone else thinks. One of the reasons I hated church was that they tried to fit all of us women into a mold. I hate anyone who is trying to fit me in a mold, whether it be mormons, exmormons or just people in general. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I will go cry now.

I would never, tell someone how to live their lives or guilt them or belittle them into thinking like me. I hated it when people did that to me so I would never want to do that to anyone else. Shit why does life have to be so fucking hard sometimes. I know my stupid little problems are nothing compared to most people but I am still feeling so lost and torn. Am I not entitled to my feelings, selfish and stupid as they may be?

Oh hell, I don't know what to say. I know I am not making sense. I just want to be happy. I want my kids to be happy. I want my husband to be happy. I want all my wonderful friends to be happy, both my irl friends and my online friends. I want us all to be shiny, happy people.

Okay I am done now. Forgive me for sounding stupid. Forgive me for being stupid. I knew I shouldn't have read that.

Why!!!!!

I had a major headache for the last couple of days. Luckily it's gone now but wow did it suck. I don't know why I have to have a headache that lasts two days. Not Fair!!

So today we did our regular weekend activity of grocery shopping. My life is so stinking boring. We are the most anti-social people on the planet I think. We have NO friends here. We are both shy(irl) and we have a hard time making friends. That's another thing I did not get from church; the ability to stick my nose where it doesn't belong and force people to be my friend. I don't like calling people, seriously the thought of calling people on the phone puts me in such anxiety, like sweaty palms, rapid heartbeat, thoughts of "oh shit what if they get mad at me for calling or what if they don't really want to talk to me and get annoyed with me" I have a complex. I don't know why. I don't remember ever having a tragic phone experience. It is truly unexplainable. At least it seems to be.

It's not that I don't want friends. I do! I would love to have someone to go to lunch with or shopping with or to go with me to the liquor store. Someone I can talk to about anything and laugh our asses off. Yeah, sure I can do that with dh but there is something about hanging with the girls that I love. I miss it. I used to have friends, but life happened and we have all gone our seperate ways only sending each other the occasional email. There are promises to get together but it never happens. My sisters are fun to hang out with but I can't take them to the liquor store, not unless I want them convening an intervention for me to show me the wickedness of my ways. They are fun to shop and eat with though. At any rate they live thousands of miles away from me so............

They need to come up with a book "How to make friends when you are a neurotic, silly, and slightly corny almost exmo" Hey maybe one day I can write that book. If I ever make any IRL friends that is!!

Really Annoyed!!

I really hate what the church is doing to my younger, unmarried sisters. They don't see it or maybe they don't want to but it is messing with their self-worth.
They are in their early to mid 20's and unmarried and not even dating. They are in the process of finishing college.
When I was home visiting they had a moment where they were feeling sad and angry that they haven't married yet. They feel like they are getting old(WTF) and pretty soon no one will want them because they are older.
In this church, you are made to feel that if you are a woman and not married by the age of 20 then you are an old maid, a spinster. While most other women in the U.S. aren't getting married until 30 or even older why is it that they feel like this?? Why can't they feel happy that they are getting an education before getting married and having children.
It's because we were taught since birth, that the primary goal for women in the church was to become wives and mothers. If we didn't we aren't worth anything. If we choose to get an education and a good job before motherhood we are only doing it to gain material possessions and out of pure selfishness. No no no, it can't be because we want to gain self-esteem and marketable skills and an identity that isn't tied to the men or children in our life.
So anyway, my wonderful, smart, funny and beautiful sisters are feeling bad about themselves because they haven't scored themselves a RM and married him in the temple. They think they are getting old. Since when is 20 something old!! They feel like failures especially because all their friends have families already. I try to remind them that they probably have no money or free time either. They agree that is a good point but they really want to be married. They are sick of being thought of as the spinster sisters at church. They watch while everyone in their ward fall all over themselves to welcome the newlyweds or new parents to church while they are ignored.
I wish they would realize that they are terrific women in their own right, that they don't need a man to complete them. I want to cry because I hate seeing them so miserable. They are the greatest people I know and they would make wonderful wives and mothers but I really wish they knew that they can be wonderful without being those things too. I wish the fact that they are getting their education was enough for them right now. But I realize that as long as they believe in the church like they do they aren't going to truly see themselves until they are married. It breaks my heart.
I think they need to get the hell out of Utah. At the very least!!!