Sigh

Well, so much for that happy, light as a feather feeling. I can't even describe the way I feel right now. Let's see, I am feeling, useless, backward, angry, sad, confused, crazed, and just plain shitty. I did pretty well I guess. The hard part is explaining WHY I am feeling this way. I have been trying for an hour but I can't seem to articulate it.

Am I doing the wrong thing with my life? Am I screwing my kids up. Would it be better for them if I worked at a job that paid me? Or am I doing fine the way things are or they doing fine the way things are? I thought we were all doing fine. I thought this was what was best for my family. Not because I feel that's the only thing I can do and not because it has been programmed into my brain and I just can't let it go. I have NEVER EVER listened to what church leader said and did it. As far as my mormonness, it has always been on the low side. So I really don't think my fondess for staying at home with my kids comes from their brainwashing. There are sahms of every religion and I have even known atheist sahms. God I get so sick of being told I am a lazy, bad, mother for staying at home. Fuck that, fuck it fuck it, fuck it. Why do I even give a shit what anyone else thinks. One of the reasons I hated church was that they tried to fit all of us women into a mold. I hate anyone who is trying to fit me in a mold, whether it be mormons, exmormons or just people in general. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I will go cry now.

I would never, tell someone how to live their lives or guilt them or belittle them into thinking like me. I hated it when people did that to me so I would never want to do that to anyone else. Shit why does life have to be so fucking hard sometimes. I know my stupid little problems are nothing compared to most people but I am still feeling so lost and torn. Am I not entitled to my feelings, selfish and stupid as they may be?

Oh hell, I don't know what to say. I know I am not making sense. I just want to be happy. I want my kids to be happy. I want my husband to be happy. I want all my wonderful friends to be happy, both my irl friends and my online friends. I want us all to be shiny, happy people.

Okay I am done now. Forgive me for sounding stupid. Forgive me for being stupid. I knew I shouldn't have read that.