What to write, what to write.

I can't seem to think of anything to write about. I am sure everyone is sick of me talking about my pregnancy. I know it seems like such a mormon thing to do. Well, I actually know non-mormons who talk about nothing but kids and pregnancy, if they happen to be pregnant so I know mormon women don't have a monopoly on talking unceasingly on those topics.

Honestly though, I just don't have all that much to write about. I guess I could come here and complain about some annoyance but I really just want to think positive thoughts right now. I am getting kind of sick of all the negativity I have been reading lately. Sometimes I just want to shake people and say "Lighten Up!!!" I even have to say that to myself sometimes. Luckily with the pregnancy(sorry) my PMS has disappeared so I don't have that PMS depression I usually get every month so my outlook has been a lot brighter lately. It's nice not feeling useless, paranoid, sad, angry, hysterical and negative for a whole week every month.And the migraines! Good riddance to those for 9 months too!!I wish that would disappear forever and not come back when my periods do. I guess I'll see then!!

So I am not sure when I will write again. Could be tomorrow, could be two days from now, or it could even be a week from now. I hope it's not too long. I really enjoy writing my thoughts.

Sigh

Well, so much for that happy, light as a feather feeling. I can't even describe the way I feel right now. Let's see, I am feeling, useless, backward, angry, sad, confused, crazed, and just plain shitty. I did pretty well I guess. The hard part is explaining WHY I am feeling this way. I have been trying for an hour but I can't seem to articulate it.

Am I doing the wrong thing with my life? Am I screwing my kids up. Would it be better for them if I worked at a job that paid me? Or am I doing fine the way things are or they doing fine the way things are? I thought we were all doing fine. I thought this was what was best for my family. Not because I feel that's the only thing I can do and not because it has been programmed into my brain and I just can't let it go. I have NEVER EVER listened to what church leader said and did it. As far as my mormonness, it has always been on the low side. So I really don't think my fondess for staying at home with my kids comes from their brainwashing. There are sahms of every religion and I have even known atheist sahms. God I get so sick of being told I am a lazy, bad, mother for staying at home. Fuck that, fuck it fuck it, fuck it. Why do I even give a shit what anyone else thinks. One of the reasons I hated church was that they tried to fit all of us women into a mold. I hate anyone who is trying to fit me in a mold, whether it be mormons, exmormons or just people in general. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I will go cry now.

I would never, tell someone how to live their lives or guilt them or belittle them into thinking like me. I hated it when people did that to me so I would never want to do that to anyone else. Shit why does life have to be so fucking hard sometimes. I know my stupid little problems are nothing compared to most people but I am still feeling so lost and torn. Am I not entitled to my feelings, selfish and stupid as they may be?

Oh hell, I don't know what to say. I know I am not making sense. I just want to be happy. I want my kids to be happy. I want my husband to be happy. I want all my wonderful friends to be happy, both my irl friends and my online friends. I want us all to be shiny, happy people.

Okay I am done now. Forgive me for sounding stupid. Forgive me for being stupid. I knew I shouldn't have read that.

Sad

I am feeling a little sad today and I can't figure out why. "sigh"