I am hinting!

I have been sort of hinting around to my TBM friends that I know longer believe in the church being the one true church. I am sort of testing the waters and guaging reactions. Most of this is done online so it's been hard doing that. I haven't been too obvious though mostly I just say things like "I am struggling with my faith" and "I am not sure where I fit in" which is met by them saying "Just pray". The thing is I have been praying and using their own "feeling in my gut" logic. The LDS church is not the place for me. I haven't told them that much yet. They did get a big clue about how I don't really care what the GA's say when I told them how annoyed I am by the whole marriage amendment issue. Of course they think I am nuts but so far they haven't wanted to stop being my friends.
I will probably never tell my TBM family though. They are such great people I wouldn't want to put them through that kind of pain, and they would be crushed. They believe in this church with all their hearts and would be so disappointed. Not to mention they would forever be praying for my soul and crying because they wouldn't be with me in the Celestial Kingdom. Even with my assurances that I am still Christian, any disaffection from the "one true church" would make my being a Christian, obsolete.
I have heard a lot of horror stories lately about people who grew up in extremely strict TBM households where they were stifled, especially women. It makes me so grateful that I have the family I do. Yes they are TBM but I was never told I should only be a wife and mother, my mom and dad always valued education and encouraged all of their children, sons and daughters, to go to college and make something of themselves. My dad though he did think of himself as the Head of the Household, never used that as an excuse not to help my mom with "women's work". He enjoys cooking and he is a vacuuming machine. I remember often him telling my mom to go sit down and read and he and the children would clean the kitchen or whatever needed to be cleaned. My parents didn't care if I wore tank tops. In fact they used to buy them for me and my sisters. They totally vetoed bikinis though, but I didn't mind I was too self-conscious to wear one anyway. I was pretty shocked when I found out most TBMs do not let their daughters wear tank tops. That was news to me. We always had coke in the fridge growing up and actually it is still there only now it's diet coke. I do have a sister and brother who won't drink caffieinated beverages but that is because they get awful headaches if they do. I am a diet Dr. Pepper person myself though I will occasionally drink coke or pepsi if that's all that's available. I didn't even know those drinks were considered violations of the WoW until college when one of my roommates tried to tell me I was sinning for drinking Dr. Pepper. Then she called me a "Utah Mormon" and went on to say that "Utah Mormons" weren't as righteous as those in other states because they pick and choose too much what rules they abide by and which ones to just ignore. Okay!!! First time I had ever heard that but hey I did leave a somewhat sheltered life. When I told my parents I was marrying my husband who is not LDS, they were of course concerned but they saw the way he treated me and knew I had found a good man. They still hope and pray that he will be baptized one day but they don't push it. I think I could go on and on. I wish that all of this meant that I would be okay coming out to them about my apostacy but I can guaruntee they would freak out. So until I either get some kind of sign from them that it wouldn't tear their world apart or they die(heaven forbid), I have to keep on the NOM down-low. I guess in some ways it's good that they live on the other side of the country from me. It will be a lot easier to pretend!