I really want to post something but I just can not think of a damn thing to write about. I have been staring at this computer for 5 minutes trying to think of something to say. It makes me wonder how everyone else does it. How do they come up with something new and interesting to talk about every single day? I guess they probably have a life outside of their homes and apartments.
Tonight for example, I was watching a Sex and the City rerun on TBS. Like is usual in this show, the main characters, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda were talking about men and sex. I was watching this and had a smile on my face and dh noticed and said "you must really be enjoying your show" I was. Because I love the friendship these characters have. I want 3 or more friends like that. Friends I can chat with about life, love, sex and men. Friends that won't say "Oh that's to sacred to talk about" or "I don't think this conversation is apppropriate". I don't have any friends like that, at least not in real life. So I told dh that the reason I was smiling was because I was thinking that it must be so cool to have friends like that. Maybe if I did I would have more interesting things to write about.
It's not that easy for me to make friends IRL. Unlike my online persona I am really shy in person. I am not outgoing so I just can't go up to women and try to inject myself into their lives. I have a huge fear of rejection. That they will look at me like I am the grossest thing they have ever seen and tell me to leave them the hell alone. So basically I am waiting for someone to approach me. It's getting me nowhere but I just don't know how to train myself to be outgoing and to get over my fear of rejection. I think my fear comes from a few friends I had back in elementary school who were my friends to my face but behind my back they made fun of me and told everyone they just pretended to be my friend to keep their mom's off my back. And because I wanted their friendship so badly, I let them talk me into doing mean things to others. Like my true best friend. They told me if I continued to be her friend they wouldn't like me anymore. So I took that to heart and treated her like shit so these other "Friends" would still like me. Eventually I found out what they were saying behind my back and I quit hanging out with them. Luckily my real friend forgave me for the awful way I treated her and we became best friends again. Anyway, I think that time in my life has a lot to do with why I have such troubles now. It sucks but I don't know what to do.
Well, it looks like I found something to say afterall! I was hoping that when I started typing that the words would just come!!
8 comments:
I have a hard time making close friends too. Why must you live so far away?!
Because life sucks!! Are you sure you don't want to do your PostDoc in Miami!!
Well, on second thought that might not be a good idea, we might not be here after this next summer!
It really is a huge bummer!
Well, you could always move to Berkeley after the summer!
Now I think that would take a miracle!!
Heehee, I just noticed I rhymed summer and bummer!! Such talent!!
In that case, we must settle for visits right now. I'll work on getting out to Miami and you can work on getting out to the bay area.
On another topic, when will you be finding out the gender of the newest little pepper?
We probably won't find out until at least week 20. That's when I found out with my others. So that still leaves us with 13 weeks before we will know. That seems like forever!!
I think most girls experienced something similiar with friends in elementary school. You never know. Invite someone for coffee. What's the worst that could happen?
The only women I even know a little bit here are LDS and very TBM so inviting them over for coffee isn't something I could do.
I don't get out much!
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