Monday, April 08, 2013
Hello, hello, helloooooooo
Does anyone check this blog anymore? Leave a comment if you do. I am thinking of starting it up again.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
It's Here When I Need It
I doubt anyone even checks this blog anymore. I wasn't even sure I would remember my sign in for it. I thought for awhile about shutting it down since I rarely have anything to say about the church because other than when I catch up on exmo blogs and MB's or talk to my tbm family and friends, I rarely even think of the church.
But...I think I need it now.
First, nothing has changed. I still don't believe and my TBM family still doesn't know. Though things on that front will probably come to a head sooner or later because I don't think I can keep dodging my mom' s questions about when I am going back to church much longer. I will explode or she will get up the guts to ask me directly how I feel about the church. At this point I really don't think I could lie. I have this gut feeling that they know something is amiss but just don't want to know. Denial and all that good stuff. I mean, what could they be thinking? That I am so shy that I don't want to go to church by myself. Please, I have done it before. It wasn't all that hard. Why didn't I chime in when my nevermo dh was asking questions about church stuff and kind of baiting my parents last summer? Surely they wondered why I wasn't more vocal. I just sat there listening and saying nothing. Oh except once I said "He knows how I feel". But that meant something different to them than it did to dh and me.
Then the whole Prop 8 thing has really made me angry. I wanted to resign over it. But there is no way I could do that if there was even a smidgen of a chance my parents would find out. Prop 8. I haven't said much about it since before the election. I signed for something and I felt really great about it and I was so sure that all of our signatures and stories would help. I risked being found out by signing that. I didn't care. Then we lost and my TBM family and friends cheered and felt sure that God was on their side. The side of righteousness and all I could think was, why are you all cheering for something as despicable as treating fellow human beings like shit. I am still pissed about it. My family doesn't know how I feel about it. I am sure they would think I had sold my soul to the devil if they knew how vehemently I opposed Prop H8. So I just keep quiet. Other than the huge disagreements I got into with TBM friends online. They thought I had taken the popularity route. Whatever, I was the ONLY one on some of those boards who was against prop 8. Yeah, that made me REAL popular. It's hard being the only one against something. On one board I had people telling me that I shouldn't be mormon if I felt that way. (they didn't know that I am an apostate). They told me I was going against God. They told me I was supporting evil. C'mon!! Yeah, TBM's aren't nice people when you aren't agreeing with them. They can get downright nasty.
So after all that(not to mention all the Obama hate from TBMs and their, "Quick, grab your guns because the end of the world is here" nonsense, which I won't get into because I have rambled too long as it is), I really, REALLY do NOT want to be mormon anymore. It is so the opposite of who I am now that the very THOUGHT of being mormon is just so foreign to me. I think I finally see that religion the way I used to see other religions while I was LDS. Not. For. Me.
Then I get an email from my mom telling me she hopes some of my neighbors are LDS so I can make friends at church and start attending again. That was 2 weeks ago. I completely ignored that email. She asked my sister to ask me why I hadn't responded to her email. So I dashed off a quick email, totally ignoring what she had asked me in her email. How long can I keep dodging this?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if my TBM family were jerks. Then I wouldn't care about hurting them. But I don't want to hurt them. I just don't have it in me. Because I am not an evil, uncaring apostate. I am their daughter and sister. I am the same person I always was. I still have a great sense of humor, I still cry easily over movies, books, and music, I am still the champion of the underdog, I even still believe in God. Why won't that be good enough for them? It is for everyone else on the planet.
This is so long and rambling and I doubt it makes any sense.
All I can say is thank God I have my husband to vent to or I probably would have exploded by now. And not in a way that opens the line of communication with my family but in a way that would cause hurt feelings and resentment on both sides. There is no way I would get any kind of understanding from my family if I just blew up at them.
The next couple of years should be interesting. That's how long I give me before I finally breakdown and fess up. I might start dropping hints here and there. If I can think of some that are subtle enough not to bring the wrath of my dad down on me. I love my dad but he does NOT like it when I (or any of us) disagree with him. He takes it very personal and, well, let's just say, I had to get my temper from somewhere!
So my hopes for the future are:
~Gay marriage legalized EVERYWHERE!
~A resignation
~Understanding from TBM family and friends.
~Hell freezing over because that is what it will take for the understanding from TBM family and friends to happen.
Okay, I am done not making sense for now. Until the next time I need to vent.
But...I think I need it now.
First, nothing has changed. I still don't believe and my TBM family still doesn't know. Though things on that front will probably come to a head sooner or later because I don't think I can keep dodging my mom' s questions about when I am going back to church much longer. I will explode or she will get up the guts to ask me directly how I feel about the church. At this point I really don't think I could lie. I have this gut feeling that they know something is amiss but just don't want to know. Denial and all that good stuff. I mean, what could they be thinking? That I am so shy that I don't want to go to church by myself. Please, I have done it before. It wasn't all that hard. Why didn't I chime in when my nevermo dh was asking questions about church stuff and kind of baiting my parents last summer? Surely they wondered why I wasn't more vocal. I just sat there listening and saying nothing. Oh except once I said "He knows how I feel". But that meant something different to them than it did to dh and me.
Then the whole Prop 8 thing has really made me angry. I wanted to resign over it. But there is no way I could do that if there was even a smidgen of a chance my parents would find out. Prop 8. I haven't said much about it since before the election. I signed for something and I felt really great about it and I was so sure that all of our signatures and stories would help. I risked being found out by signing that. I didn't care. Then we lost and my TBM family and friends cheered and felt sure that God was on their side. The side of righteousness and all I could think was, why are you all cheering for something as despicable as treating fellow human beings like shit. I am still pissed about it. My family doesn't know how I feel about it. I am sure they would think I had sold my soul to the devil if they knew how vehemently I opposed Prop H8. So I just keep quiet. Other than the huge disagreements I got into with TBM friends online. They thought I had taken the popularity route. Whatever, I was the ONLY one on some of those boards who was against prop 8. Yeah, that made me REAL popular. It's hard being the only one against something. On one board I had people telling me that I shouldn't be mormon if I felt that way. (they didn't know that I am an apostate). They told me I was going against God. They told me I was supporting evil. C'mon!! Yeah, TBM's aren't nice people when you aren't agreeing with them. They can get downright nasty.
So after all that(not to mention all the Obama hate from TBMs and their, "Quick, grab your guns because the end of the world is here" nonsense, which I won't get into because I have rambled too long as it is), I really, REALLY do NOT want to be mormon anymore. It is so the opposite of who I am now that the very THOUGHT of being mormon is just so foreign to me. I think I finally see that religion the way I used to see other religions while I was LDS. Not. For. Me.
Then I get an email from my mom telling me she hopes some of my neighbors are LDS so I can make friends at church and start attending again. That was 2 weeks ago. I completely ignored that email. She asked my sister to ask me why I hadn't responded to her email. So I dashed off a quick email, totally ignoring what she had asked me in her email. How long can I keep dodging this?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if my TBM family were jerks. Then I wouldn't care about hurting them. But I don't want to hurt them. I just don't have it in me. Because I am not an evil, uncaring apostate. I am their daughter and sister. I am the same person I always was. I still have a great sense of humor, I still cry easily over movies, books, and music, I am still the champion of the underdog, I even still believe in God. Why won't that be good enough for them? It is for everyone else on the planet.
This is so long and rambling and I doubt it makes any sense.
All I can say is thank God I have my husband to vent to or I probably would have exploded by now. And not in a way that opens the line of communication with my family but in a way that would cause hurt feelings and resentment on both sides. There is no way I would get any kind of understanding from my family if I just blew up at them.
The next couple of years should be interesting. That's how long I give me before I finally breakdown and fess up. I might start dropping hints here and there. If I can think of some that are subtle enough not to bring the wrath of my dad down on me. I love my dad but he does NOT like it when I (or any of us) disagree with him. He takes it very personal and, well, let's just say, I had to get my temper from somewhere!
So my hopes for the future are:
~Gay marriage legalized EVERYWHERE!
~A resignation
~Understanding from TBM family and friends.
~Hell freezing over because that is what it will take for the understanding from TBM family and friends to happen.
Okay, I am done not making sense for now. Until the next time I need to vent.
Monday, September 15, 2008
What a Rush!!
A week or so ago I signed the "Sign For Something" petition. With my real name and my real location. That was easy.
Today, I wrote a letter to go along with it. That wasn't so easy. I wanted to convey how I feel about the church's involvement in Prop 8. I wanted to do it in a clear and concise way. I wanted to be articulate and really drive my point home. I think I just ended up rambling away like I usually do.
FYI, I think the church should stay out of politics like they are supposed to being politically neutral and all. I included that thought in my letter as well as some things a little more personal, like comparing gay marriage to interracial marriage. 30 years ago and beyond, my marriage was seen the way a lot of people see gay marriage now. I can put myself in their shoes.
Anyway, I used my real name and location for the letter too. I don't know if anything will happen to me because of it. All I know is that I just can't sit idley by any longer and watch my fellow U.S. citizens rights being denied. Let the chips fall where they may, I'm ready. Bring it on.
Today, I wrote a letter to go along with it. That wasn't so easy. I wanted to convey how I feel about the church's involvement in Prop 8. I wanted to do it in a clear and concise way. I wanted to be articulate and really drive my point home. I think I just ended up rambling away like I usually do.
FYI, I think the church should stay out of politics like they are supposed to being politically neutral and all. I included that thought in my letter as well as some things a little more personal, like comparing gay marriage to interracial marriage. 30 years ago and beyond, my marriage was seen the way a lot of people see gay marriage now. I can put myself in their shoes.
Anyway, I used my real name and location for the letter too. I don't know if anything will happen to me because of it. All I know is that I just can't sit idley by any longer and watch my fellow U.S. citizens rights being denied. Let the chips fall where they may, I'm ready. Bring it on.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
WTF?
Just as I finished typing that last entry, guess who knocked at my door????
Missionairies. I told them I wasn't going to church tomorrow. They asked why, I said I didn't want to.
I feel bad. Oh well.
Missionairies. I told them I wasn't going to church tomorrow. They asked why, I said I didn't want to.
I feel bad. Oh well.
STFU!!!
My husband is not cursed. My kids are not cursed. NOBODY is cursed! Except me for having to hear that drivel. Gah!!
Monday, August 04, 2008
How You Doin??
I am back from my hiatus. In the interest of my anonymity I won't be going into details of what I did while I was gone, that would surely give me away to anyone I know who might stumble onto this blog, I will say that I had a great time with family, even though I was right smack in the middle of all things mormon. It wasn't too bad, I was able to take everything with a grain of salt and a small smirk.
I was aware of that big old pink elephant in the room though because it seems my family all think I still have a wonderful testimony of the gospel and am just waiting patiently until my dh gets one too so that we can finally go to the temple and be sealed as a family for time and all eternity. They actually said that to my dh. I just winked at him. It does hurt my heart that I can't be completely honest with them but I. Just. Can't. One good thing is that we told them that our girls won't be getting baptized at age 8 because we want it to be their decision and we don't think they will know enough then. They seemed okay with that mostly because I think they are sure that when the time comes, if I finally take them to primary, they will be all for being baptized when they turn 8. Not gonna happen but at least they won't be completely shocked when it doesn't happen like that.
So, if anyone is reading this, I hope you all are having a great summer! Mine was wonderful. I am a little sad that my time with my family has ended but I will be okay.
I was aware of that big old pink elephant in the room though because it seems my family all think I still have a wonderful testimony of the gospel and am just waiting patiently until my dh gets one too so that we can finally go to the temple and be sealed as a family for time and all eternity. They actually said that to my dh. I just winked at him. It does hurt my heart that I can't be completely honest with them but I. Just. Can't. One good thing is that we told them that our girls won't be getting baptized at age 8 because we want it to be their decision and we don't think they will know enough then. They seemed okay with that mostly because I think they are sure that when the time comes, if I finally take them to primary, they will be all for being baptized when they turn 8. Not gonna happen but at least they won't be completely shocked when it doesn't happen like that.
So, if anyone is reading this, I hope you all are having a great summer! Mine was wonderful. I am a little sad that my time with my family has ended but I will be okay.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Going on hiatus
Though it may seem like I already have since I haven't posted in well over a month, I am going on an internet hiatus. For 2 reasons. One is because the fans on this computer need to be fixed and second is because I will be in Utah for over a month and even if I find time to go online I won't be going to any DAMU websites or this, my secret blog since I would be using my parent's computer.
To tell the truth, I am kind of glad for the break. I have been feeling a little out of place online lately. I am living in two different worlds, the world of TBM friends and the world of exmo friends. I am having trouble fitting in in both places. It's nobody's fault but my own. For some reason lately, I have been having a lot of trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings. I don't feel smart enough in some cases. I don't feel pious enough in other cases. It's really weird to be me right now. Not good or bad, just weird. Does that make sense? It's hard because I really want to fit in but have serious doubts that I can. Story of my life actually!
So, to anyone who reads this blog. I will miss you and I hope you will be here when I get back. I will be back. Maybe with a new perspective, who knows.
To tell the truth, I am kind of glad for the break. I have been feeling a little out of place online lately. I am living in two different worlds, the world of TBM friends and the world of exmo friends. I am having trouble fitting in in both places. It's nobody's fault but my own. For some reason lately, I have been having a lot of trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings. I don't feel smart enough in some cases. I don't feel pious enough in other cases. It's really weird to be me right now. Not good or bad, just weird. Does that make sense? It's hard because I really want to fit in but have serious doubts that I can. Story of my life actually!
So, to anyone who reads this blog. I will miss you and I hope you will be here when I get back. I will be back. Maybe with a new perspective, who knows.
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